My Due Date With Empty Arms
This past year I wrote in my devotional journal on our due date for the baby we had lost that I had been carrying. This is that passage:
Today was the due date I was expected to deliver the baby we were pregnant with not long ago. We were all so excited, and at 13 weeks we had made many plans and had many expectations of what this little bundle of joy would add to our lives.
I remember sitting in the doctor’s office and them telling me my baby had no heartbeat. I knew they had just made a mistake so I told her to check again. She again said there was no heartbeat. I still had hope. I asked her to be sure one more time. She put a colored heat sensor over the babies heart and apologetically told me there was no heartbeat. The tears came and came and came. They left the room, and I felt so alone and sad. I just couldn’t comprehend that the baby inside me wasn’t really with us anymore.
As I walked through the nightmare of delivering our lifeless baby, I did not have the strength to do it on my own. As the hours and hours went by of delivery, I remember saying out loud to the Lord, “Thank You for your grace”. I maybe didn’t fully understand what I was saying at the time, but deep inside I knew only His grace would get me through this in a way that we would be okay in the end.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says that the Lord says, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” I was so weak at the point of delivery, but the Lord’s strength carried me through. I was so emotionally drained and empty, but the Lord’s grace rested on me. I wanted to not face the world, but I had to care for my kids, so God’s grace gave me strength to peacefully keep their days going smoothly.
I am sad that we will not be holding our baby today. I am sad that we never got to know the person that baby would have become. We lost our dreams and hopes for what the future would be like with our child. But I trust that God still has a purpose for our family, and I have hope that we will get to meet our child one day in heaven.
The verse my friend sent me brought me great comfort as I remember our baby today is: But most fortunate of all are those who are not yet born. For they have not seen all the evil that is done under the sun. I am sad that our child doesn’t get to spend their life with us here on earth, but how wonderful will it be to get to grow up in heaven? I think my child gets to experience a beautiful world from the get go that most of us have to wait a long time to see and only after a lifetime of hurts. My child is full of joy and peace and enjoying every moment of existence.
When I couldn’t say anything else because of the pain and tears. When I didn’t know what to pray. I prayed the verse my husband gave me: I trust you, Lord. I do not have to understand everything. I am trusting You to show us where to go from here. (Prov. 3:5-6)
Today I am remembering the joy of our baby in my belly. Today, I am thankful for God’s grace that brought us through the pain of the loss. Today, I am mindful of the joy our child is experiencing right now. Today, I look to the future for the good things God has planned for our family and seeing Him show Himself strong through our weakness.
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